Keeping Score
by Chang-chang83
Summary: Sometimes the flame of passion dies down, but love doesn't. They're two very different things, that often get mixed together, and Kise realises that. Reader is very analytical, but cannot be vulnerable to anyone.


_**Because I want some angst works, and because I'm incredibly frustrated with life, and just especially today. I honestly, and genuinely hope you guys had a better day than I did, because honestly, today is not my day. Ugh anyways since I'm feeling a bit shit, and extremely hangry because some idiot ate my dinner without my permission.**_

 _ **I have been toying with this idea of Kise not really understanding relationships despite being a "good" boyfriend. I mean I like happy endings, but I like angst.**_

 _ **Reader chan is: quiet, observant, but also very blunt and is not timid, she just doesn't have much to say.**_

It was quite blatantly obvious that Kise Ryota had a lot of fan girls, it was a fact, like the sky was blue. You were currently attending Kaijo high school with Kise Ryota, and more often than not his fan girls caused enough noise to deafen one hundred people and it annoyed you, a person who enjoyed silence than noise.

You grit your teeth, sighing heavily, did he encourage them to become raptors, making that much of a high pitched racket, or were they innate raptors?

You had known of Kise in middle school, but back then he was just a guy who played basketball, not the model that he was in the present. You were a quiet person that kept herself to herself, having a small number of well-chosen friends. You lived in a small bubble, not that you were ignorant, in fact you were the opposite, due to your natural, quiet composure that allowed you to blend into the background, you were able to observe and take in a lot of information. You just didn't interact with a lot of your classmates, only operating within in your small bubble. You were considered somewhat special by your friends, because you noticed little details they didn't, and it often gave you this extra depth of knowledge that actually came in handy for you. You were considered wise, because of this, since you noticed these extra details that not necessarily everyone noticed.

You were also quite a badass bitch, because you were blunter than a dull blade, and often spoke in a harsh tone, speaking effectively and efficiently. Unfortunately a lot of potential love interests you had were too afraid of your harsh tongue and didn't have enough courage to confess their love for you. However you didn't stop your sharp tongue from confessing your love, you often admitted to various cute guys, your interest in them and asked them for a date, with only little success. However it didn't stop you, you were a romantic at heart, surprisingly. It seemed nowadays that guys preferred soft-spoken, polite, shy girls. It used to bother you, and you often tried (and failed) to have cuter, softer speaking mannerisms, like the other popular girls, but it often resulted to your friends laughing their asses off and you feeling stupid.

So you reverted back to your usual mannerisms; quick, efficient and no-nonsense, serving their purpose. You were paired up with, the one and only Kise Ryota for a project, and to your dismay the fan girls unleased their inner raptor and aired their disappointment at not being partners with the hay headed fellow. You sighed, pulling up a chair to sit opposite the guy.

Almost instantly he sat up straighter, as you sat down, giving you his utmost attention. You only stared back, pulling up some blank paper to plan on, and began discussing the ideas for the project, and organising who would be doing what. He still only stared at you, which was a little unnerving and pissing you off.

"Oi, what the fuck do you think you're staring at?" You angrily cussed, you heard your friends giggle and the other raptors hiss at you for speaking so rudely to their dear idol. You saw his eyes widen at your tone and expression, but he didn't seem hurt, he just seemed surprised, and then smiled.

 _Maybe he's retarded, like dropped on the head a lot as a baby._ You thought.

"Why? Isn't it obvious? I'm staring at you~" He drawled, almost as if seducing. He pulled your hand, his thumb rubbing over the top of your hand. You could feel the marginally rougher skin of his thumb brush your hands. You quickly pulled out of his grip, laughing.

 _Who does this guy think he is? Rico Suave?_

"Please don't tell me girls actually fall for that?" You comment incredulously, smirking at his lost expression.

"Don't tell me you haven't had a girl that doesn't like your weird, forward advances." He still looked lost, you glared at him still.

"When a random guy you don't know tries to pull your hand, you would usually smash it and kick him in the family jewels and run off, because that's some creepy shit to pull on someone you've just met." You explained efficiently. Everyone was silent around you, except your group of friends who were pissing themselves with laughter. You sighed, ripped off the paper, writing your email and phone number only for communication purposes and walked off. You weren't afraid of the fan girls seizing your number and email and sending you hate mail and whatever, because you would be getting a new phone number in about a month, and this project would only last a week, and that email you gave was your professional email that you only checked once a day, so you walked away, rubbing your hands trying to get rid of the strange, eerie feeling of his thumb rubbing on the back of your hand.

Within one hour of leaving, you had received only a couple hundred text messages and emails from Kise Ryouta, only, surprisingly. You were expecting some death threats and some messages asking if you were just that arrogant to treat their angelic model so disdainfully. Yet you were disappointed your comedic television series was on a break and you wanted to have something to laugh at. You flicked through the messages Kise Ryouta sent you, all of them containing some type of emoticon. You smirked, for someone who had so many fan girls you thought he would have a more cooled, and controlled response. He came off as a little needy, cutesy and a tad childish, but at least he wasn't one of those annoying guys who would make a girl wait three hours for just one text and you respected him for being honest despite coming off as really forward. So you messaged him, and arranged to meet up with him in a more reclusive environment away from prying eyes.

After you had finally arranged a place and time, you had a good two hours before meeting him, you were constantly cracking your neck. You couldn't lie to yourself, he was quite attractive; he had really warm amber eyes that were unique and you felt mesmerised by them. Due to your friends dragging you to watch your high school's basketball practices you saw, like the other girls who attended, his very mature, toned muscular body, which did give him a larger percentage of attractiveness in your eyes, but it was really his eyes. They were almost like a whiskey, husky tones that could warm your soul. You grin as you were thinking this over, you hadn't really analysed a guy so much, you could feel the attraction but you felt that it would be more beneficial to not admit to anything. Yet.

As a sign of your goodwill, you brought some extra money cover for his meal and waited at the fast food restaurant as instructed.

"(Name)-chii!" You heard his excited, childish call. You smile, facing him, before he could even sit down you whipped out your paper and discussed your ideas with him. Brainstorming, you wouldn't have believed it until you saw it, but you and Kise Ryota worked together quite well. You weren't sure if it was your realisation of your attraction to him, or that you were away from his annoying fan girls, but you two worked so well like a well-oiled machine. As you guys were coming up with ideas, you started to notice little quirks about him. Sure he was childish, but he could also be serious and determined. You noticed how he bit his lip when he was thinking about something very hard, or had something troubling on his mind. How his fingers twitched when he thought of a new idea, or realised something and how he twisted his earring to soothe himself. As you were working with him, you had caught yourself a couple times watching him, and you also noticed his little smirk, alerting you that he knew that you were somewhat interested in him despite your first impression of him.

After a while of good brainstorming, you both decided to end the session there and you bought his and your meals. He pouted

"I'm the one with the job, and I made you come out here, after my modelling session, I should pay you." He offered, trying to hand you the notes, after you set down the tray of food. You merely regard him with a confident look.

"The guy is supposed to pay." He tried to argue, you smirked.

"This is the twenty first century, women have jobs, and can pay for at least one meal. And even if the situation arises for the guy to pay, it would be on a first date. This is not the case here." You curtly shut down, yes you were certain there would be no benefit in admitting your physical, superficial attraction to the hay-head. You didn't let your lips curl up into a defiant smile, when you saw his depressed look, this was the real test. No you definitely didn't toy with guys, you let them see your cutting, ruthless, a little rude personality that didn't take shit. You were not someone who played games, you thought it wasted your time, and your time was precious, so that's why wanted to be efficient. You often watched your friends and other girls alter their personality, their looks just to suit a type, an ideal for their significant other, and you never really truly understood why.

It never made sense to you, because at the end of the day, wouldn't they see who you truly are? You saw how much effort they put in just to fit that ideal, no matter how much of a deviation it was from their true character. Why waste your time altering your personality, when you could just find someone who liked you for who you are? Sure it took time, and sure you weren't seen as the cutest, softest, nicest girl that all the guys would want to bend over and fuck, but they weren't worth it. In the end they were the guys who would leave their girlfriend because they're not as "cute" or as "hot" as they first met them. You were watching Kise Ryota eat his burger, although he did look like one of those guys that you had just described, you didn't get that feeling from him.

In fact you were sure that he wanted a girl who was very true to their personality, regardless of their nature, as long as they were kinda nice to him. You felt a little bad for the guy, since you just put him down a couple times within the first hours of meeting him.

"Kise." You called softly. He looked up at you happily, you could literally draw on the dog ears and happy waggling tail on him, making you chuckle. He brightened even more, you noticed after you chuckled.

"Don't get your hopes up, but I just want to say that I am come off as cold, and not very soft and delicate with my words, I am like this with everyone. Hence why I don't talk to people very much, and my small friendship group. I hope you do not feel offended by the way I speak to you, it's just a force of habit." You formally apologise, you saw his cloudy amber eyes stare straight at you, until they were closed, tightly because he was laughing.

"(Name)-chii, you sound so formal. I feel like I'm in a business meeting with my manager!" He was slapping the table, chuckling. It caught you a little off guard, you never expected this reaction, you had to give it to Kise Ryota; he was something else. You smiled as you mulled this thought over. Kise sat back in his chair smiling

"(Name)-chii you're so cute when you smile." You blush, as he finishes eating his burger. You purse your lips, god damn, one point to Kise Ryouta.

Your school project had finished and both you and Kise Ryota had gained excellent marks, pleasing you, yet you felt a little twinge of sadness. You weren't sure if you would still keep in contact with Kise Ryota, and you felt unsure about this separation. You had rejected his romantic advances, because you didn't want him to be too arrogant, you wanted it to be on your terms, and for the first time you wanted to see the potential of this guy. Usually you chased a guy purely on his looks, often acting on your attraction but Kise was something else. He didn't seem put off by your mannerisms, and in fact he seemed to enjoy it. And you didn't hate his company.

You watched him being chased by his senpai, Kasamatsu, bringing a weary smile to your face.

"Ohh who you smiling at? Kise? Did he finally wear off the ice around your heart?" Your friend commented.

"Shut up. No I don't" You didn't lie usually, and you didn't know why you did. You wanted to run out after Kise and ask him if he wanted to go out, yet you were a little reluctant to do so. You knew exactly why, this meant he won, and that you would have a little less power over him, as if you were admitting defeat. However you did start to daydream about dating him a little more frequently, and you pretty much watched him whenever you saw him, whether or not he knew it.

Although you were curt, harsh and blunt, you were a hopeless romantic too, and you felt that familiar rush of adrenaline as you ran down to the basketball courts. You weaved through the crowd of fan girls, and you managed to get to the front. At the second you reached the front of the crowd Kise immediately cried out your name.

"(Name)-chii! Why did you come here? What's up?" He asked hurriedly, his eyes gleaming. Despite your past grievances about his forward touching advances, you let it slide this time as he holds your hands. You could feel the invisible thousand daggers in your back from the fan girls.

"I LIKE YOU!" You say loudly, shocking everyone into silence.

"I really like your eyes, and we should go on a date." You add afterwards, Kise Ryota still rigid from shock. You saw his gradual excitement into ecstatic happiness as he registered what he had heard.

You guys quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend, and although you had confidence in admitting your feelings, you realised you were an amateur in relationships and you had jumped into the deep end. Kise Ryota assured you that he would take things at your pace.

There was still a lot of gossip about the two of you, and you got the occasional death threat now and then, but nothing that had shaken you to your core. However you did get increasingly worried about Kise, you noticed his gradual behaviour change. You knew you could be handful, and tried to limit your "ways", and you were still very new to the intimate behaviour and you took your time to becoming accustomed. You were taking you time, but you couldn't help it, so you tried to make it up to him, and gave him a sympathetic ear whenever he wanted to whine, and supported him at his matches and practices.

As time progressed, you noticed the nuances in his behaviour. As you prided yourself on being an efficient and effective person you were also in denial. You really did like Ryota, and sometimes you thought he was too good for you, and you honestly tried to make up for it. But you couldn't quite let yourself become vulnerable to him, every time he tried to make an advance on you, you rolled away, because you felt this deep, unstoppable instinct to not reciprocate. And you were seeing the repercussions of it, day by day, and yet you couldn't bring yourself to be upfront and confront him about it. You tried to force yourself, asked your friends in an inconspicuous manner about how to get over your fear, online forums, nothing. You told Ryota countless times that you were trying, that you wanted to be more intimate and you were desperately trying. However he was waning, you could see it.

It was as if he was the boss, and you were the young, failing employee, begging for more time on a deadline. Both of you got pushed back even further, due to his busy schedule and your school work, you prided yourself on your academics and spent more time looking at your books than with your boyfriend. Yet you still found time to try and call him and see if he was okay, to ask him how his day was, listen to his problems and his whining. But you found that your calls were more frequently missed, texts replied only after three hours at the remaining days of your relationship. You decided the best course of action was to meet up with him and reconcile or break up.

You waited for him, after on a time decided. He was thirty minutes late, but then again he was coming from a modelling shoot so you weren't surprised because you knew things could overrun. You were waiting outside in the cold, outside of a coffee shop, so you watch out for him. You watched him walk over, with a grin, holding another girl around her waist and kissing her right on the lips, a couple metres away from where you were standing.

You didn't have an expression, you just felt hot humiliation and cold emptiness hollow out your body. He looked up to see you; you wanted to see him be embarrassed, and push the girl away and run to you, but you were living in a dream world of denial and he tore it apart as he bent down to kiss her again. Although you had your academics, and your curt, blunt words that made you intimidating and intelligent you stood there like an idiot and watched it all. He walked towards you as he dismissed the girl, who walked away pleased. You don't want him to see your tears, your vulnerability, so you mask it, morph your face into something bland and expressionless, something you had practiced well. He merely regarded you with a dull look, it was as if he had been taking lessons from you. You look up at him, holding that thick lump in your throat.

"You don't even have an expression when you see me kissing another girl in front of you? Cheh what the fuck was I thinking, chasing a dull girl like you."

"Perhaps you weren't thinking at all." You proposed, you felt numb, but hot.

"Frigid bitch, I must have been on some major drugs to think you were anything." He insulted you. You were angry, at him but moreso at yourself for taking this shit.

"Don't you feel a little bit sorry?"

"I used to, I used to feel bad about pushing you, but even a guy has his limits, and like your ice bitch personality you push it far. Too far. Why the fuck did I choose you, when I have loads of girls fawning over me, begging me, and yet you do nothing." This comment cemented your thoughts. _He's not right for me._

"Perhaps you're right again. I often questioned why you did."

"Who the fuck speaks like that? Why do you sound like some robot, like is that what you think makes you special from all the other girls? Because believe me it's not very successful." He snaps at you, you move your eyes down, making sure you're not letting the tears fall.

"You know it's within my nature, it's very hard for me to change my ways."

"Well I'm changing this relationship." He cuts. You sigh, you can help but smile at him, because you don't know what else to do.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I read you wrong." You truthfully comment, walking away, biting your lip. You noticed that he wasn't lying whatsoever, he wasn't twitching, or biting his lip. He was expressing his opinion and feelings very freely and liberally, and even though he kissed another girl in front of you, and insulted you in a public area, he was very honest and upfront about his feelings. You had to give it to him, two to Kise Ryota, zero to you.

The break up wasn't much news to anyone at your school, your friends had been informing you and you were the idiot that denied it. You cried, clutching your pillow and your eyes red, all in the privacy of your room of course. You were ridiculed, but your friends, being the good friends they were, easily dismantled the girls who trying to get a reaction out of you and insult you. You still felt sad, and humiliated but under this dark cloud there was a silver lining. You felt more confident, you took being cheated on, and humiliated in your stride. It was a mistake on both parts, and you realised you couldn't quite force yourself, as your friends had wisely suggested, and you also was aware that you had become the very thing you despised. A hypocrite; you tried to change yourself to his liking and you had compromised your principles, to fit him, when it should have been both of you.

You realised he was like a child, that he wasn't mature enough for you, and if he had really really liked you, he would have fully accepted you for who you are and would have understood that you couldn't quite be intimate with him, and all people are different. It wasn't your fault that you couldn't kiss him, and please him when he liked, you were your own person, and you had your own rules and principles. You laughed a little, he really was like a child, and he threw a tantrum and lashed out at you simply because you didn't attend to you needs. You really had read him wrong.

He only liked your strange personality because he hadn't had a girl react to him like that, but now it was old and he didn't like having a girlfriend that couldn't do the fun intimate things he wanted. You realised he was like the next teenage boy, well maybe with less depth and tact, because he didn't even realised that when he was sad, depressed, crying, angry you were there. If he called you, you would pick up and let him whine, and console him, and yet he didn't quite make time for you. You knew he was modelling, and so was busy, but so were you, and you had to study. Just because he was a model and was in the public eye, it didn't make your time any less valuable. You evaluated the course of your relationship and found what was hidden behind the smog, and you slowly felt yourself return to your original self.

By that time you had moved into second year of high school and luckily enough you had been moved into a different homeroom, with your friends. You were incredibly grateful for your friends, they knew what was best, and they became your crutch through it and you had become a little more human to them and you guys grew closer over the common theme of break ups and guys. You smiled more, you still didn't talk a lot but you gradually smiled a bit more, a bit more wistful. You also didn't bluntly approach guys anymore, you were still letting the wound scab over.

You were humming as you were walking home, you didn't have earphones in, because recently you've felt a watching presence recently. You weren't sure if it was harmful, but you didn't want to take any risks. You tried to be as normal as possible, but you couldn't keep the curiosity out of the way. You turned around.

"I know you're there." You call out. You wanted to be less surprised, but you weren't, as you saw the familiar yellow hair.

"I could never really hide from you could I?" He smiled gently at you, walking up to you. You knew he knew you didn't like being ambushed and if you were you would deal with him effectively and efficiently. Just like you could read him, he could read you. He knew what to do, to catch you off guard. He reached out to hug you, pulling you against his toned muscular body and one that you are not familiar with.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Would you really care if I forgave you? Would it have really stopped you from doing this?" You didn't move, you didn't move your arms or anything.

"I was really stupid." He didn't answer your question at all. You just stood there, like an awkward tree. You don't answer.

"I got really frustrated, and I know I was really-"You didn't like wasting your time, hearing things like this. It wasn't worth your time anymore.

"You said you had lots of girls fawning over you, and you also said why would you chose me, a frigid bitch, when you have your fans." You recalled simply, making him stop talking.

"You see Kise, I read you wrong. I thought you would accept me for me, and naively believed that a guy like you, who is obviously the apple of every other girl's eyes, would be willing to wait more than three months for just a make out session for an ice bitch like me." You offer blandly, as you feel his fingers grip you tighter, and twitch in anger.

"I want you to forget everything I said I did that day." He growls, you see the anger in his eyes, unsure if it's at himself or you for bringing up what he said.

"So you want me to forget the time you missed my calls and wouldn't return my texts? And how you would be late our dates, and be on your phone, barely talking to me?" You recall effortlessly.

"I promise I'll be better this time." He pleaded.

"As you said before, you have a lot of fan girls who would give you your preferred treatment, so why would you want me back?" you asked simply, you felt him hug you tighter to his chest, as he buried his face into your hair.

"You're the only one. The only girl, the only person who really knew me for me. You didn't care that I was a model, you didn't care that was I was part of the Generation of miracles. You were just there for me, whenever I needed you, you always knew what I needed. No one else can do that, only you, you're the only one. Ever." He admitted, hoping this honest pitch would at least get a maybe from you.

"I-"

"I don't care if you don't want to kiss me or anything, I just need you back, because I can't survive without you. I'm falling apart without you, I'm going insane without you. I just see you smiling there, and it makes me want you so badly. It's not fair that everyone gets to see that cute smile, even you smiling at me is enough now." You feel something wet on your head. You free yourself from him.

"Kise this is not some drama, where you can suddenly admit your feelings and think I can forget that you humiliated me, tore my heart and stomped on it. On purpose, all because I couldn't attend to one of your needs, even though you knew I had issues with intimacy." You argued strongly, he tried to pull you back to him. You move out of the way.

"But I love-"

"Do you actually love me? Or do you simply miss someone that tended to your needs?" You offer coldly.

"I- I don't know"He replied unevenly. You predicted this answer.

"Wrong answer." You began to walk away, keeping your head down. This time you read him right. As you walked away you heard him call out to you.

"(Name)-chii, I'll won't give up until you change your mind. I don't care if it kills me." You weren't too surprised at his proposal.

You didn't like to lie, so you had to admit, he sounded pretty promising and you were a hopeless romantic.

You had to hand it to him, three to Kise Ryota one to you.

 _ **Hope this wasn't too long and boring. I see a lot of fiction where it's happy, but I'm here to tug on the angst in your hearts.**_

 _ **Thanks guys**_

 _ **Chang.**_


End file.
